[***]
Oh, come on.
I really don't spend that much.
Can't I keep just one of my credit cards?
I'll make you a sandwich.
No, thank you, ma'am.
I had a couple of doughnuts this morning,
waiting for a jumper to make up his mind.
The cards, please.
Okay, fine.
But you ought to be ashamed.
You really don't have anything better to do
than harass me
when there are real criminals out there?
I mean, my husband alone
has over 100 unpaid parking tickets.
That's AlBundy, right?
Uh-huh.
Don't tell him that I told you.
Uh, is there any reward for turning him in?
Hey, don't forget,
if we paid taxes, we'd be paying your salary.
Well, kids, we have no more credit cards.
Let this be a lesson to you.
Marry someone who can afford you.
Mom, was there ever a time
when Dad could have made something of his life?
Yes, actually, back before you were born,
I remember we were watching TV,
and he said, "I wish there was some way
to change the channel from my seat."
That was as close as he ever came.
Still not a bad idea.
Hi, honey. How was your day?
Hey, I came home.
How good could it have been?
But at least I got to cheer the guys up at the gas station.
See, after I filled up the old war-wagon,
I pulled out the credit card.
They pulled out the switchblade, cut it up.
Then we all laughed.
Then they gave me a hose,
made me suck all the gas back out of the car.
But I got the last laugh, though.
I swallowed about 50 cents worth.
Well, let's take your mind off it.
Here are the bills.
Feel better, honey?
Ed McMahon says I may owe him $10 million?
Oh, what are the chances of it really being you?
Ah, the phone bill.
Hey, we qualify for the gold bill.
That's great! I knew we could do it!
Peg, Peg, could you cut out the festivities
till after I'm done?
Milwaukee, Milwaukee, Milwaukee,
that's the town they built
around your mother, isn't it, Peg?
Look at all these toll calls!
Who called the lust line?
Well, it's not what you think, Dad.
It's just naked girls
talking dirty to me on the phone.
Well, that's okay, then.
What about these three pages of toll calls
to the heavy metal hotline?
Oh, then, that must have been me, Dad.
But I was saving you money.
How did you do that, pumpkin?
Well, because they said that it's $3.00
for the first minute
and 50 cents for each additional minute.
So, rather than get charged extra,
I'd hang up after a minute, and then call back.
Well, at least she's trying, Al.
Oh, God!
See, honey, we're sorry you had a bad day.
Would you like some dinner?
Yeah.
Gee, I was hoping you'd say no.
Oh, hey, Dad, Mrs. Donnelly called,
and she said her slipper won't fit over her bunion,
and she wants to know what she should do.
Start walking on all fours
the way God intended her to.
What's wrong with these people?
If I had a dime for every time
they called me and asked for shoe advice, I--
Wait a second. I just had a vision.
Peg, I think I know a way that we can make a fortune.
You want to hear about it?
No. Not really.
I don't think so.
I'll give you a hint.
What can I do better than anyone else?
Stink up a shoe?
Sweat through the couch?
Miss the toilet in the dark?
Hey, Marcie. Guess what.
I'm closing another loan,
and that puts me in the lead
for that free trip to Hawaii.
Yeah, the hick's signing the papers right now.
Oh, not you.
I was talking about some other hick.
Uh, listen, Marce, the hick is staring at me.
I gotta go.
Keep the poi warm for Daddy.
Thank you, Mr. Rhoades.
Your loan saved our farm.
Well, you know, we only care about you.
Well, you know, you really have to come for supper one night.
Yeah, right, watch for me in the window.
Aloha!
I'm in the lead.
* I'm in the lead *
I'm going to Hawaii.
Hey, Steve.
I'm glad I caught you.
I need a loan.
See, I'm gonna buy my own toll line.
Yeah, it'll be great.
People'll pay 2 bucks a pop
just to talk to me.
Now, I know what you're thinking,
it's just another sex line, but it isn't.
This is something that I know something about.
Ready?
555-SHOE.
Al, no banker in his right mind
would give you 5 cents
for such a moronic, bunny-brained idea.
[WHISTLES]
Ha-ha.
Aloha, Rhoades.
Ha-ha.
Al, you've got your loan.
You need $50,000, you say?
Well, actually, I only need 18.
No, you need 50.
Sign right here.
We'll fill in the rest later.
[BELL RINGS]
Hawaii! Hawaii!
Ha-ha.
Tiny bubbles up your nose, Swensen.
Rhoades, I want to talk to you.
Uh, yes, sir, Mr. Peamon. Right away, sir.
Get lost, Al. It's the president.
I voted for you.
What did you want to see me about, sir?
Rhoades, do you know how many loans
you've written this year that have gone bad?
One or two.
Forty.
[MOUTHING]
Well, I guess that gives me something to think about
while I'm on that beach in Hawaii.
Well, I hope your zeal to win this trip
hasn't affected your judgment.
For example, let's talk about
the loan that put you over the top.
Yes, sir. The, uh, Bundy loan.
Solid as they come.
You really believe in the loan?
With my heart and soul, sir.
Would you put your job on the line for it?
No, sir.
Then I will.
If this Bundy doesn't come through,
you're fired.
Honey, no one is stupid enough
to call a shoe hotline.
Oh yeah?
Well, everyone in high school
said no one was stupid enough
to marry the big redhead.
But someone was, wasn't he?
Oh, look.
Daddy's commercial's coming on.
Hi, I'm Dr. Shoe.
The man on the side of your feet.
I'm a goner.
Shh!
Excuse me. I'm getting a call.
[RINGS]
Dr. Shoe.
Hello.
Oh, Dr. Shoe, I don't know what to do.
I'm going to a party in five minutes,
and my shoes are too tight for both of my feet.
Ouch.
Can you help me?
Has this happened to you?
I'm willing to bet that it has.
As a matter of fact,
I'm betting 50,000 bucks that it has.
So, if you're like Muffy here,
heh, heh,
or even if you're just fat and ugly
and have a shoe problem,
call me on the shoe line.
That's 555-SHOE.
Can I help?
Shoe betcha!
I feel better already.
And don't forget.
Se habla shoe.
I see you're all looking at me
a little bit differently now.
Okay, everybody,
man your positions by the phone.
Research shows 98 percent of the calls happen
in the first three minutes.
Let's go! Let's go!
Honey,
let's just say that for one minute,
this shoe line doesn't work out.
Not that I'm being negative, mind you.
It's just that no one has called today,
and no one will call for a million years.
So, uh, honey,
just out of curiosity,
what did you use for collateral?
The only thing we have.
Our plunger with 100,000 miles on it?
Yeah, that's right, Peg. Keep on stroking me.
No, and this is where I made my most brilliant move.
All I had to do was sign over the house.
Good, honey.
I was getting sick of living indoors.
Ok, kids. Come on, it's almost midnight.
Time for bed.
Come on.
[GROANS]
Did Dad get any calls?
Yeah, Mom called him an idiot.
Steve, you haven't given up on me, have you?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Dr. Shoe!
It's the doorbell, Al.
Well, get it, Peg. I'm on the phone.
Dr. Shoe.
The government should be paying us.
I mean, if he's not disabled, who is?
Well, Steve, you told me not to yell at you
about the loan until midnight.
Then I'd see.
What am I seeing?
Hello?
Well, Steve?
He hasn't spoken for hours, Marcie.
Don't you pull that coma stuff with me, Steven!
You loaned this man $50,000?
That's $1,000 an IQ point.
And I can't blame Al.
A man gives a gun to a chimp,
and the chimp shoots someone,
you don't blame the chimp.
Hey! That was a hidden dig at me, wasn't it?
Well, let me tell you something.
The opera ain't over
till the last heterosexual falls asleep.
This idea will work.
How many calls did you get tonight, Al?
Dr. Shoe's files are confidential.
None. You got none!
None today.
Tomorrow, twice as many!
This is what you loan money to?
I wanted to go to Hawaii.
Oh, well, Steve,
I guess much like our honeymoon,
it's up to me to finish the job,
and pay the bill.
Al, I'm going to loan you $50,000.
We're rich!
We're rich, honey!
I told you I could do it, Peg!
[LAUGHING]
Oh, shut up.
It's so you can repay the loan
and the human dribble-glass here can keep his job.
I've got a good record at my bank.
I can bury one bad loan.
Al, I'll be over in the morning with the paperwork.
Let's go, Steve.
Come home and service me.
And God help you if you screw that up!
This is your fault. You should have to go.
Come!
Yes, dear.
Boy, if you had to service me
every time you did something stupid,
I'd be as flat as an all-beef patty.
Well, honey, at least this stupid idea
didn't cost us anything.
No, Peg, it didn't cost Steve anything.
We still owe $50,000,
it's just to another bank.
So, I'll be broke and living in the gutter,
but, Peg, will I still have you?
Aw, Al, you know I'd never leave you. Yeah.
Then I truly have nothing.
But I'm not going
to roll over and play dead.
Oh, yes, save something for when we go to bed.
No, my little thumbscrew.
I'm getting an idea.
I'm not going to pay Steve back.
I'm going to reinvest in my shoe line.
Al Bundy is not going into the gutter owing $50,000.
I'm going into the gutter owing $100,000.
Hi, I'm Dr. Shoe.
Awhile back, I advertised my shoe line,
but apparently, you weren't watching.
So I'm back.
Now, you can't tell me you haven't bought defective shoes,
'cause I know.
I sell 'em.
So call 555-SHOE.
Even if you don't have a problem,
and you just want to talk about feet.
Call. I'm serious.
This is not a recorded message.
I am a human being, damn it!
That number is
555-SHOE.
Let's go!
Hi, Dr. Shoe again.
I've been telling you about my shoe line.
Nobody cares.
So let me mention something else here.
555-SHOE also spells
555-RIND,
555-PINF,
and 555-RGNE.
Remember, nobody knows as much about "rgne"
as Dr. Rgne.
Hello, It's Dr. Shoe again.
I've made several pleas and nobody cares,
so let's cut the crap, and get to it.
I want to introduce you to some people.
This is Mrs. Shoe.
My daughter, Kelly Shoe.
My son, Bud Shoe.
And Buck, the Shoe dog.
We're starving.
Could you please call?
You don't have to talk to me.
Just hang up.
It's charity, for God's sake.
Kids, you don't even need your parents' permission.
It'll-it'll just be our little secret.
MAN'S VOICE: Time's up, Bundy.
Uh, please call, please call. Let's rap.
Uh, you want somebody dead?
I'll kill them.
Please call.
That number again is--
This is what you did with my $50,000?
Another satisfied customer. You can be too.
Aah! Please call me.
Hey, Peg,
I thought you were going to meet us
down at the courthouse.
Oh,
Was that today?
Uh...
Oh, there it is.
Right there in black and white:
"Al's sentencing."
Well, I'll just have to make the next one.
So, how was it?
Oh, it was so cool.
The judge laughed at Daddy,
and then he got serious, so he yelled at him,
and then he laughed at him again,
and then everybody started laughing at Daddy.
It was so funny.
I can't believe I missed it.
Oh, it was great.
The trial had everything.
Crying--that was Mr. Rhoades.
He lost his job, you know.
And then,
there was an honest to goodness fit.
That was Mrs. Rhoades.
She got demoted to drive-up window teller.
And then Daddy and the judge and a whole bunch of lawyers
went into this chamber.
Bring it home, Daddy.
Well, after the lawyers got done going,
"Hey, did you check out the blond bimbo
in the red mini?"
That was me.
Anyhow,
then we finally got down to business.
I begged for the death penalty,
but they insisted that I learn a lesson.
So to pay back the $100,000 I owe,
the banks agreed to extend my mortgage
for a couple of years.
How many?
Oh, a hundred.
So by the year 2157,
we'll have the second one paid-off.
Then I can retire.
No, no, no, Dad.
Then you start paying off your parking tickets.
Hey, how the hell did they find out about that anyway?
Gee, it must have been that darn Steve.
Aw, but come on. Buck up, honey.
Don't worry.
I'll always be your Mrs. Shoe.
And we'll always be your little Shoes.
Shoe betcha!
So you haven't lost any more respect for me?
Oh, now, that would be impossible,
wouldn't it, kids?
I mean, honey, you lost $100,000.
How many men who earn less than a fry cook
can say they lost $100,000?
Fry cook?
Dad makes less than the newspaper boy.
A street mime.
The guy who scrapes dead animals off the highway.
A lab animal.
A circus geek.
A barnacle scraper.
A professional miniature golfer.
A qualified teacher.
[***]